Clearing the Area
10.04.09 (7:06 am) [edit]My mind's a vast wasteland, I'm going to start clearing it out. I'm bringing in earth movers and dump trucks to begin the process.
There's much to be done. It looks like the setting of a Mad Max movie. Smoke billows up from the various piles of trash burning here and there. I'm organizing the crew, we're all wearing hardhats. There's one guy who thinks he's the boss and keeps interrupting me while I'm talking, so I direct an earth mover to cover him up with dirt. In a few days he'll be moved to the compost pile.
Craving Spiritual Fulfillment
06.14.09 (8:09 am) [edit]A guy I work with says he's not concerned with whether or not there's a God. At this point I think that it sure would be good to have his point of view and just not care. But does it really work that way for him? I could not go a day without saying some kind of prayer or acknowledging this God that I don't know. I'm searching. I haven't found the right way yet. I'm ruined for religion. I'm not an atheist or an agnostic. I want to be a christian, but I'm not into evangelizing and from what I understand that is half of christianity.
I hate the idea of hell. I've heard that hell is eternal separation from God. I have a desire for God, but I want to know the real God. Let's cut through all the words and definitions and find Him, Her, It...whatever. There is a God, and I'm not Him. That's all I know.
There's another guy I know who says he believes that all he has to do is pick up what God has for him to use and use it. He says God doesn't need acknowledgment or prayer and he just lives his life in awareness that God is supplying him with all that is in front of him for his use.
I kind of like his idea, too, except I want a real relationship with this God of everything.
Two Golden Sphynxs
03.03.09 (9:51 pm) [edit]Today I drove by the Masonic Lodge with the two gold sphynx statues out front. I thought about when I gave a customer a ride to the lodge one time, while we worked on his car. They had recently been installed out front, one on either side of the long driveway, leading up to the building. The customer was proud of the two lion like statues. I think they were made of fiberglass. He said "look at 'em, they're so gaudy, they're gorgeous."
I was a little sad when less than a year later, one of them had been vandalized as one of the eyes had been painted white and the mouth was painted red like it was bleeding. I think two years went by. I'd drive by it and there it was all ugly lookin'.
Finally, one day I looked over at it and it had been repaired. For some reason I enjoy seeing those two sphynxs when I drive by. Maybe I'm called to be a Mason, I don't know.
Okay, I'm rootin' around in my mind for an idea, some little bit of creativity, and i'm comin' up with nada. I'm gonna type something anyway. I don't know what. I've got my coffee and it's Sunday, I don't have to be anywhere for a while. I have plenty of time to just sit here and stare at the screen. I'm not a regular here, and this is why. I have a want to write consistently, but obviously I don't. Does it matter? There are millions of blog writers out there, so if I write one post a year, so what? (I'm saying this to myself, really.) I'm gonna be a little hard on myself again. I'm searching for a way out of my box. I live in an empty box, it seems. I have stuff all around me but it's like I can't really use it. I can see it, touch it, fool with it, but that's it. I'm like that angry ghost in that Patrick Swazy movie that couldn't interact with people. Yeah, I saw it, SFW? Anyway I'm writing this today and who knows, maybe I'll post tomorrow. I think the more I write, the more creative ideas will come. It's taken an hour to type this. I'm a slow typer and a slow thinker. I'm like I'm playing sharades, trying to form the next sentence. Seriously folks, I think I shorted something out years ago when I was a partyer. I think I'll get better with practice. I haven't really said anything but I'm hoping momentum will come and the creativity will flow.
I'm geared to be slow. I drive slow, talk slow, move slow, and type slow. I hate getting in a hurry. I want to be completely okay with being slow, but I'm not. I'm not brain damaged or anything like that. I think I'm mindful of my surroundings. I'm definitely considerate of others, to the point where I'm very angered by people who aren't. I don't show it, I just simmer and slowly boil.
I've got a name for being slow. I call it Sleestack living. The Sleestacks were scary monsters with pinchers that stood upright and moved really slow, while they hissed. They come from Land of the Lost, a TV show in the late 70's or early 80's. I don't remember much about it except those monsters. They never scared me, I thought they were cool.
I fancy myself an observer, because I'd rather observe people and things than do anything else. I'm trying to get some other interests but right now, I have not many. I ride a motorcycle, read, and waste countless hours on the computer. I got the Stumble toolbar and that's very addictive. I listen to music and walk the streets in Google streetview while I pretend to be homeless. My wife says it doesn't bother her that I'm a computer junky, because I'm right in the next room and not out running the roads and causing trouble, which I don't do anyway.
I'm a home body, I go out so I can look forward to getting home. I think the ultimate would be to get down to second by second living, but as you can tell I'm not there. I like Zen and mindfulness. I'm a christian, but I have a really hard time with organized religion. I'm not service oriented either, but I am courteous and considerate. I'm not posting for a singles page but it sounds like I am. Oh well.
Never Good Enough
12.21.08 (8:46 am) [edit]I'm seldom good enough. I'm never really satisfied. Why? Because I'm always off in the future or the past. Now always falls short of the way I think it should be and that's the problem. The reason I experience pain is because I'm comparing how I feel now to when I felt different, always remembering "different" as better. I feel pain because I've labeled it as such.
As for my spiritual life, I'm always seeking for a deeper understanding of God. I must read this or pray a particular prayer. I must pray with deep felt emotion or it won't reach God, He doesn't hear it. I didn't read enough of the bible, or here's the big one...I didn't witness to anyone. I seldom do, does that mean I don't have enough faith in God and that He rejects me as disobedient? Is it like this..."Whosoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved, but if you don't do all the things that prove to yourself and others, that Jesus saved you, then your salvation is void and you're going to hell"? The bible does say that faith without works is dead. Well, did Jesus save me or not? I could never witness, pray or read enough of the bible to save myself.
I've asked Jesus into my heart, he saved me. I won't burn in hell. He loves me even though I don't have it all figured out.
Jesus Loves Me....and You
11.29.08 (6:47 am) [edit]I want to start using this web space to tell about Jesus. I have problems in my life, but greater than these problems is the knowing that everything will be alright. I don't worry much because I feel in my heart that God is in control, everything that happens is for a reason. The particular happening may be unspeakably horrible, but God knows exactly why it happened.
I get into trouble when I start thinking I'm not measuring up to some lofty standard. I then start saying I'm no good and my faith is weak. I've said things like "Who'd want to know Jesus if their life's gonna turn out like this". I used to think that if I was a real christian, I would be making a lot more money. I could show the people around me how good a christian I am because of all this stuff God has blessed me with. I'd also have to be a real grown up to take care of the payments and such. I think of myself as a 41 year old kid. I've thought negative things about myself like "God watches out more for His stupid ones".
I've gotta go now, talk to ya'll more later. Bye
An Experience Worth Mentioning
11.27.08 (7:54 am) [edit]I was watching a video of Jon Kabat-Zinn and in this video he does a meditation on breathing. So I'm focusing on my breathe and then realize several times that my mind had gone somewhere away from the focus point....I had been thinking. So anyway there was a long period of silence where Jon's not speaking and I realize again that my mind has wandered, then I have another dream, vision, instance....whatever where I'm plugging a headphone into the jack on a computer (I guess) and at that moment he starts speaking again. Coincidence? maybe. On other occasions, I've been sleeping and dreaming and in my dream, turn on the car radio (or other form of music) and instantly I'm awake and my alarm clock radio is going off. These occurences are fascinating. I want to study them more. There have been other times when I've guessed exactly what time it was the second before looking at my watch. I don't claim to be unique because I believe this happens to everyone. I just think it's cool. Any comments?
Thanking God
11.26.08 (6:55 am) [edit]Tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I would like to tell you about some of the things I am thankful for. God delivered me from drug and alcohol abuse. He showed me how to be considerate of others' feelings. He helps me with my finances. I'm in very good health. I have a better relationship with my wife of 15 years than I did during the earlier years.
I am about contentment today. I am kind of a zen christian. I love the idea of mindfulness and living in the moment. I believe in Karma to some extent. I won't have to wait till the next life to get paid back for what I do now. I enjoy the tv show "My Name Is Earl" mainly because he sticks to making something right no matter what. But often, making something right involves problems for someone else, as well. When Earl goes to make something right and causes discomfort for someone else, he blames Karma. The show also has a lot of "The Simpsons" type humor in it.
I guess I'm trailer trash in some respects, but I'm sophisticated trailer trash.....whatever. Here's a joke I found kinda funny: What are the famous last words of a redneck?......."Hey ya'll, watch this!"
To Whom It May Concern
11.24.08 (8:01 pm) [edit]Why the hell can't I upload any photos? I keep getting a message in a pinkish box that says "no file has been specified". I'm doing everything right as far as I can tell.
Trying to get more into This
11.24.08 (6:57 am) [edit]I uploaded some photos to Photobucket and I can't get this site to link to it. When I click on My Images there is nothing there. I'll figure it out eventually. I have some photos on there, just four of my motorcycle. I'll upload more later.
I had a good weekend, went to a family gathering. There were cousins I hadn't seen for 10 years.
I'll try to paste a link here so you can see my bike pics. You can even view them with the Cool Iris 3d thing, if you have that.
There's also a silly video of me riding my bicycle from my point of view.
Here's the link, I hope it work's: http://s374.photobucket.com/a...
Making this a Habit
11.23.08 (8:06 am) [edit]All the bad things I ever did easily became habits. Yet, good habits came about with much effort on my part. Something bad for us provides some sort of pleasure for a while so we do it over and over, gladly. Something good for us in the long run might be a drag starting out.
Writing is difficult for me. Sometimes it takes me 20 or 30 minutes to type a paragraph. I want to get into a creative flow with keeping a blog. I think that by writing I'll tap into vast sources of information stored inside my brain. Right now when I write, I experience a lot of empty space in there. And there's this gnawing to be somebody more than I am now. I am not complete. I'm attempting to release the real me through writing.
As I sit staring at the monitor, I feel drool start to form at the corner of my mouth, another stupor coming on. I'm probably being too hard on myself, I've only had one cup of coffee. I'll get another.
I won't get to ride my motorcycle today, it looks like rain all day....bummer. Hey wait, no one says "bummer" anymore. Where did that come from. I usually say "what a drag", that's pretty lame too. I'm like Kramer on Seinfeld, whom Elaine called "a hipster doofus". I can find a million and one ways to bash myself, another bad habit.
Once again I zoned out. I look down at some dumbbells on the floor and think "I could use those". I lean back in my chair and stretch, fascinating huh? My goal is to express my thoughts and my life. What is really mine? Where does a thought come from? If a thought is in my mind, where did it originate from? I've read a lot of New Age type stuff and there is some truth in it. I enjoy watching videos about the mind. I don't consider myself a New Ager because I know there is a God behind all this.
How would Jesus think? How did he communicate with God the Father? He prayed....much. How much is the devil still in control of my life? Who or what is the devil? How much am I deceived? These questions I ask myself daily. My ultimate goal is a real relationship with the real God. I want to have fellowship with Him and know that I'm not gonna burn in Hell. I've said the sinner's prayer hundreds of times. I attend church. I know God is in control of everything.
I wonder what Jesus' personality was like, is like now. I want to think of Him as a funny guy who laughed a lot...."Hey Peter, pull my finger." That's stupid, I know....Or maybe he made his disciples laugh by mocking the Pharisees. Maybe he was the envy of the neighborhood because he had a Segway. Could you see Jesus and the disciples cruising around on Segways, their robes flapping behind them?
Attempting Mindfulness
11.22.08 (8:11 am) [edit]I'm attempting to stay mindful. I'm trying to keep my mind in the moment. I want to experience my life. I spend much time in a semi-conscious state of mind. I am also very aware of this. I flash in and out of reality. Staying in the present moment isn't easy.
I've been away for a span of time again. Too undisciplined. I'm trying to come up with some inspiration as to what to type. If there is none there, then there is none there. It has taken me a while just to do this. The normal thing for me to do at this point is to start to bash myself in some way. I have this strong desire most of the time to be creative. I want to express myself. I'm screaming on the inside because I live in controlled chaos. I hold it together on the outside, but on the inside I wanna tear stuff up.
Okay, I'm in such a bad way, because I'm addicted to....guess. Without really coming out and saying it, it has very much to do with the internet. To elaborate even more, I will not use filters or accountability. I simply try to fight this on my own and I fail continuously. I guess this post is kind of an opening up. I want to be rid of this, it's been here my entire life, since 7 or 8 years old. There is no excuse. I've sucessfully quit drinking, smoking pot, cigarettes, and using any form of tobacco. But this is more powerful than any of that stuff ever was. I smoked cigs and dipped snuff for 15 years and have been away from these for at least 10 years.
I don't go there everyday, but at least once a week. I'm sick of religion because I just judge myself and other people. I'm on a point system with my creator. I believe in Jesus, but I live with constant guilt, at best I'm numb for a while. There is a constant self hatred going on within me.
I have to close now, I've gotta get ready to go out of town.
A Normal Day
11.15.08 (5:22 pm) [edit]I had a day at work, neither good, nor bad....it just was. Okay, I had some uncomfortable moments. I wanted to pay my cable bill early this morning and I figured they'd be open at 8:30, but they open at 9:00 on Saturdays. That set me off on a tirade. I stood at the door and let my mouth fall open when I saw the sign in the window. There was a girl inside walking around, probably just killing time before opening. i went and pulled at the door as if, just maybe they'd be open early or, even funnier than that, they'd unlock the door and let me in. The girl was probably laughing her ass off. I wasn't. I went into a fit (in the truck, not in public, really) and flipped several stores off as I was driving by. Funny, typical, hippy type behavior. So me.
Relax
08.17.08 (1:17 pm) [edit]I wrote a post earlier. It was really negative so I deleted it. I was reading some other blogs, they were positive and did me some good. I'm glad to visit your fine planet and hope to get to know some of you. I'm so much more than an exister. I also do stuff. I eat food and sleep. I shower because I smell bad if I don't. I do other stuff too. I'm new to this typing thing so bear with my feebleness. I have an exceptional vocabulary, comparable to a chimpanzee, I'm told. I've decided to use this page for extreme Tom Foolery, whoever he is. There are other things in life worth tearing up. Words pour forth like molasses because of the backwardness of the keys on the keyboard, they are not in order as they should be. I rearranged them and now some stick and some don't work at all.
Circumstances are Changing
08.14.08 (6:45 am) [edit]The Bible says to call things that are not as though they were and I'm so used to calling things that are not as though they're gonna stay that way. For three years I've dealt with a junkie 30 year old motorcycle that never ran the way it was supposed to. If finally sold it, cheap, just to see it gone. Now I have within my grasp, the opportunity to get a new bike. I've purchased the helmet I want that matches the bike. The bike I want is an '09 and it hasn't came out yet. It'll be in around October. I'm not really one to sling around Bible quotes. I've always felt that if I start acting religious I'd be tested by an irreligious person. I don't cuss a lot either. I just try to be honest in all my dealings, kind of believing in Karma, except that the harm I do others will not wait around till the next life to come back on me. Silly as it seems, to me, there is a whole lot of wisdom in the TV show My Name is Earl. One thing I really believe is that, not necessarily will God get me for doing wrong, but He will let me fall into the hands of the one whom I've done wrong, if said wrong was intentional. People these days (not all) can be vengeful and vindictive. And some are forgiving, you just never know who.
Speech Recognition
07.20.08 (9:55 am) [edit]I decided to check out the capabilities of speech recognition on my computer. I bought a headset with a mic. It is funny when I'm using Wordpad, right now I have a stopped up nose and it would type up all kinds of weird words. I feel smart saying "open Internet Explorer" and it opens. I'm like mister computer tech now. I can see how this can be useful but right now this is a novelty for me. As I use it more and more, it's supposed to get better at understanding what I say. I also found Stumbleupon. It sends me to a lot of cool sights, but there's also a lot of adware, so I run Ad-aware a lot. I'm a computer junky. I watch hours dissolve before my eyes.
Good Day
10.09.07 (7:37 pm) [edit]I woke up this morning, took a look around and said to myself: "Today's a good day not to care".
Meditation
09.30.07 (8:49 am) [edit]It's Sunday, my favorite day of the week. This is my day off. I have extra time in the morning to read spiritual articles and books. I meditated for 15 minutes, my mind went everywhere. I can hold my attention on the now for about, I don't really know how long, a few seconds maybe. I'll keep practicing. I'm gonna go to an AA meeting, then to church afterwards. Sometimes I feel like I'm grasping straws, spinning my wheels, etc. I have been away from booze and other drugs for almost 17 years. That is not an issue now. I'm on a spiritual quest that will take the rest of my life. I believe in Jesus and the Bible, but I also glean truth from writings on Zen, mindfulness, and living in the now. I don't really worry about karma but I know that what goes around, comes around. I don't really know my purpose, I've been told all my life it's to spread the gospel. I don't like the concept of trying to twist someone's arm to believe the way I believe, but when approached about my beliefs I will definitely share them.
EGO
09.29.07 (6:52 am) [edit]As a contented person (yeah,right), I have nothing to write about. The main thing I'm discontent about is that I want to write about something, for some reason. I want to be creative. It's 6:30 Saturday morning and I'm gonna go to work soon. I'm having a cup of coffee and sitting here. I want to do something to impress myself. Right now I'm not impressed. I'll go on an ego trip later about something. I'll spend 30 minutes thinking about something cool I said. Then I'll be like "dude, come down off yourself, it wasn't all that, you know". I have learned to say thanks when I get a compliment. I used to think the proper thing to do was to shoot a compliment down by counteracting it with something negative about myself. That's cheap modesty and people find it rather off-putting. I'm self-absorbed, I'll admit, but there is room for other people in my life and I have a few friends, so I guess I'm not too self-absorbed. My wife kinda likes me, we've been married fourteen years and a divorce isn't about to happen. I don't consider myself a true blogger because I don't write everyday. As you can tell I don't have all that much to say. I like the idea of blogging and that is enough of a reason to do it, for me.
Dave Matthews Band
09.23.07 (8:20 am) [edit]I called a friend of mine last Wednesday and he said he bought tickets to the Dave Matthews Band and asked if I wanted to go. I said I thought that would be cool since I hadn't been to a concert in about 16 years. So yesterday after work, I headed over to his house and rode with him to Dallas. I got to experience the whole culture thing, meeting "Dave Heads" who had at least seen the show in Houston the previous night. We got there two hours early and the parking lot was full and people were drinking, cooking, and/or playing some kind of game. I don't drink so I just enjoyed the atmosphere and took it all in. The show itself was awesome with plenty of lights and three high definition screens that were about 10ft wide and 30ft tall. the music was clean and clear, sounding pretty much just like off the albums. I never considered myself a fan of DMB, I'd only heard a few of their songs but I couldn't be still and not dance for long. So I kinda moved a little bit (I never thought of myself as a dancer, nor do I now, but it was part of the moment and I enjoyed it)and sang along with the songs I knew. Everybody was so friendly (if not slightly intoxicated) that I felt I was a part of a community. That was one aspect of the show experience that I want to carry into my entire life, just enjoy people as they are and enjoy myself as I am without judging. I also want to be present in each moment, to fully experience what God has for me. I think The Christ can be experienced in every moment if I open myself up to Him.
Search for Meaning
09.10.07 (8:42 pm) [edit]Okay, so I said yesterday that Jesus was the answer. That's true but I'm still unsatisfied. I want to find Him. How? Get involved? Go to Seminary? I want Jesus. Just cut to the chase, straight to Him. He's the pearl of greatest value. I must search Him out. I'm lost in frivolous pursuits of nothingness. I'll never find Him this way.