Relax
08.17.08 (1:17 pm) [edit]I wrote a post earlier. It was really negative so I deleted it. I was reading some other blogs, they were positive and did me some good. I'm glad to visit your fine planet and hope to get to know some of you. I'm so much more than an exister. I also do stuff. I eat food and sleep. I shower because I smell bad if I don't. I do other stuff too. I'm new to this typing thing so bear with my feebleness. I have an exceptional vocabulary, comparable to a chimpanzee, I'm told. I've decided to use this page for extreme Tom Foolery, whoever he is. There are other things in life worth tearing up. Words pour forth like molasses because of the backwardness of the keys on the keyboard, they are not in order as they should be. I rearranged them and now some stick and some don't work at all.
Circumstances are Changing
08.14.08 (6:45 am) [edit]The Bible says to call things that are not as though they were and I'm so used to calling things that are not as though they're gonna stay that way. For three years I've dealt with a junkie 30 year old motorcycle that never ran the way it was supposed to. If finally sold it, cheap, just to see it gone. Now I have within my grasp, the opportunity to get a new bike. I've purchased the helmet I want that matches the bike. The bike I want is an '09 and it hasn't came out yet. It'll be in around October. I'm not really one to sling around Bible quotes. I've always felt that if I start acting religious I'd be tested by an irreligious person. I don't cuss a lot either. I just try to be honest in all my dealings, kind of believing in Karma, except that the harm I do others will not wait around till the next life to come back on me. Silly as it seems, to me, there is a whole lot of wisdom in the TV show My Name is Earl. One thing I really believe is that, not necessarily will God get me for doing wrong, but He will let me fall into the hands of the one whom I've done wrong, if said wrong was intentional. People these days (not all) can be vengeful and vindictive. And some are forgiving, you just never know who.
Speech Recognition
07.20.08 (9:55 am) [edit]I decided to check out the capabilities of speech recognition on my computer. I bought a headset with a mic. It is funny when I'm using Wordpad, right now I have a stopped up nose and it would type up all kinds of weird words. I feel smart saying "open Internet Explorer" and it opens. I'm like mister computer tech now. I can see how this can be useful but right now this is a novelty for me. As I use it more and more, it's supposed to get better at understanding what I say. I also found Stumbleupon. It sends me to a lot of cool sights, but there's also a lot of adware, so I run Ad-aware a lot. I'm a computer junky. I watch hours dissolve before my eyes.
Good Day
10.09.07 (7:37 pm) [edit]I woke up this morning, took a look around and said to myself: "Today's a good day not to care".
Meditation
09.30.07 (8:49 am) [edit]It's Sunday, my favorite day of the week. This is my day off. I have extra time in the morning to read spiritual articles and books. I meditated for 15 minutes, my mind went everywhere. I can hold my attention on the now for about, I don't really know how long, a few seconds maybe. I'll keep practicing. I'm gonna go to an AA meeting, then to church afterwards. Sometimes I feel like I'm grasping straws, spinning my wheels, etc. I have been away from booze and other drugs for almost 17 years. That is not an issue now. I'm on a spiritual quest that will take the rest of my life. I believe in Jesus and the Bible, but I also glean truth from writings on Zen, mindfulness, and living in the now. I don't really worry about karma but I know that what goes around, comes around. I don't really know my purpose, I've been told all my life it's to spread the gospel. I don't like the concept of trying to twist someone's arm to believe the way I believe, but when approached about my beliefs I will definitely share them.
EGO
09.29.07 (6:52 am) [edit]As a contented person (yeah,right), I have nothing to write about. The main thing I'm discontent about is that I want to write about something, for some reason. I want to be creative. It's 6:30 Saturday morning and I'm gonna go to work soon. I'm having a cup of coffee and sitting here. I want to do something to impress myself. Right now I'm not impressed. I'll go on an ego trip later about something. I'll spend 30 minutes thinking about something cool I said. Then I'll be like "dude, come down off yourself, it wasn't all that, you know". I have learned to say thanks when I get a compliment. I used to think the proper thing to do was to shoot a compliment down by counteracting it with something negative about myself. That's cheap modesty and people find it rather off-putting. I'm self-absorbed, I'll admit, but there is room for other people in my life and I have a few friends, so I guess I'm not too self-absorbed. My wife kinda likes me, we've been married fourteen years and a divorce isn't about to happen. I don't consider myself a true blogger because I don't write everyday. As you can tell I don't have all that much to say. I like the idea of blogging and that is enough of a reason to do it, for me.
Dave Matthews Band
09.23.07 (8:20 am) [edit]I called a friend of mine last Wednesday and he said he bought tickets to the Dave Matthews Band and asked if I wanted to go. I said I thought that would be cool since I hadn't been to a concert in about 16 years. So yesterday after work, I headed over to his house and rode with him to Dallas. I got to experience the whole culture thing, meeting "Dave Heads" who had at least seen the show in Houston the previous night. We got there two hours early and the parking lot was full and people were drinking, cooking, and/or playing some kind of game. I don't drink so I just enjoyed the atmosphere and took it all in. The show itself was awesome with plenty of lights and three high definition screens that were about 10ft wide and 30ft tall. the music was clean and clear, sounding pretty much just like off the albums. I never considered myself a fan of DMB, I'd only heard a few of their songs but I couldn't be still and not dance for long. So I kinda moved a little bit (I never thought of myself as a dancer, nor do I now, but it was part of the moment and I enjoyed it)and sang along with the songs I knew. Everybody was so friendly (if not slightly intoxicated) that I felt I was a part of a community. That was one aspect of the show experience that I want to carry into my entire life, just enjoy people as they are and enjoy myself as I am without judging. I also want to be present in each moment, to fully experience what God has for me. I think The Christ can be experienced in every moment if I open myself up to Him.
Search for Meaning
09.10.07 (8:42 pm) [edit]Okay, so I said yesterday that Jesus was the answer. That's true but I'm still unsatisfied. I want to find Him. How? Get involved? Go to Seminary? I want Jesus. Just cut to the chase, straight to Him. He's the pearl of greatest value. I must search Him out. I'm lost in frivolous pursuits of nothingness. I'll never find Him this way.
why do I go?
09.09.07 (4:42 pm) [edit]I asked myself why I go church as I sat down at the beginning of the service. I was kinda feeling "unclean" or "unfit", and I felt like I stood out, as I always do. I ignore the feeling as I've learned to do. I have feelings of inadequacy all across the board, but I know they're old tapes playing in my head. I also know that I'm not the only one in church with feelings like this. I'm in church because I need Jesus. I need healing and I need His love. I got exactly what I went for this morning. The preacher told of his household motto "For This, There Is Jesus". Jesus is for the good times, the bad times, and for all times. I want to lean more and more on Him, because He is real and He already bore all my pain and sickness. I am no better or worse than anyone who ever attended church. We were all there because we need something only Jesus can give us. Now, church is not the total answer, but Jesus is.
Electricity
09.08.07 (7:00 am) [edit]I'm absolutely hooked on electricity. My wife, daughter, and I went to Walmart last night and when we got back at around 10:30 the power was out in our area. My wife called the electric company and was told that there was a blown transformer and it was estimated that the electricity would be back on around 1:00am. Well, I tried to sleep but was sweating too much and the lack of noise was driving me crazy, so I went outside and sat on the porch for about an hour, got bit up by mosquitos so I went back inside, had a lukewarm bath, tried to read, then listened to about 20 songs on my mp3 player. 1:00am came and went. The electricity finally came on at 2:40. I'm got about 3 hours sleep (waah) and I'm about to go work. It's cool though, Saturdays are pretty laid-back.
Just Being
09.07.07 (7:17 pm) [edit]All I really gotta do is breathe in and out. Can somebody tell me what's wrong with just being. We always seek for more, better, bigger, and shinier. I am, just as God said. I am not God, but I am me. I will never be anybody but me. I'm tired of striving and pursuing. My goal is to remain content. I am content now. I've spent so much of my life being sorry for the way I am. Forget that nonsense. I am alive and breathing in and out. I could be on a 20 million dollar yacht in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, in outer space, or right here, right now. What difference does it make if I'm okay with it?
Long Ride
09.02.07 (8:46 pm) [edit]I rode about 90 miles on my motorcycle today. I took my daughter and we went to a friend's house. He barbecued brisket and hotdogs. For you hardcore bikers, 45 miles each way is a walk in the park, but I'm used to 4 miles to work and back and 20 or 30 miles on the weekend. I got a 26 year old Yamaha and it's not a highway bike. Ah, excuses, excuses, excuses. I also went to church this morning and was kinda dogged out because the guest speaker did an altar call to see if anyone wanted to get involved in church, and he said this call was not from him but from God, and that there was nothing worse than missing your calling. And well, I am not motivated at this time to do anything more than fill a seat and listen... sometimes. I get the feeling that God despises free loaders and I'm one because I enjoy his blessings but don't want to do anything but be okay with what I do, which is go to work, pay my bills, and take care of my family. I don't drink or do drugs. I don't run around on my wife and I don't steal. I also talk to God, read a little of the Bible daily, and attend church. I just want God to be okay with me. I just want to be okay with me. Okay?
Pretty Traumatic
09.01.07 (7:00 am) [edit]My wife had surgery one week ago Wednesday, and has been doing well. My daughter started school last Monday. She's in the fourth grade and had been homeschooled up to this point. She is overwhelmed a bit and she had a panic attack Thursday.I thank God that the teacher and a few of the students showed compassion and calmed her down. I have been asking God to reassure her, to give her peace and comfort to help her through these adjustments. I know she'll be okay. She gets upset pretty easy, but five minutes later she'll be laughing like nothing ever happened. Being a dad is quite a challenge, as if you other dads didn't know.
Been A Good Day
08.28.07 (6:54 pm) [edit]I went about my day saying to myself "I'm in the presence of God". I kept it up for a good while but forgot every once in a while. I long to reach a place where it is normal to the point of being projected off of me, to where I continuously practice God's presence and treat other people this way as well. It's not that I'm really rude or unmannerly, I just react way too much. I need to learn to take the time to actually respond. I believe that there is always an opportunity to say a prayer and then speak. In response to the comment I received: I'm not against church, I attend church. At this point I'm not involved in church. I believe there is a lot to be done outside as well as inside church. I won't get into that now as I am on the rebound from some very unsettling church experience and considering all that, I'm actually doing well.
Yes, It Has
08.27.07 (7:03 am) [edit]It's been avery long time since I last entered anything. I felt for the longest I didn't have anything to contribute that wasn't already contributed. But I do have something to say even if it's already been said: "There Is Hope". I believe in God and Jesus as the way to Him. But I'm not hip on religion. I practice living in the now and just knowing that any future I have, God will work out. I try to observe myself, think of the very next action to take, and not react and go on "autopilot". I try not to revel in or regret the past. I said "I practice", "try to", or "try not to do such and such. I'm not perfect but I'm getting better. I pray a lot, but I don't think I have to go to a special place or get into a special position. I go to church sometimes and get on my knees to pray sometimes. I grew up in a religious home and I'm breaking free from that. I thank God that He is showing me the way to true freedom.
Been a Long Time
04.18.07 (8:20 pm) [edit]I just think it's time to start again blogging. I never really felt like I had anything worthwhile to say, but I'm not gonna do this for some kind of cult following as much as for a purging process. I say that now but after a while I may be screaming ...please someone read my page!! I believe there are a million topics out there. I'll write about me. I'm 40 going on 14, not the sharpest pencil in the box, far from the dullest. I got a wife and a daughter. I do manual labor and ride a bicycle and an old motorcycle that gets really crappy gas mileage. I enjoy my life when I don't complicate it with needless worry or what if or what could have been. I try to follow Jesus and I enjoy practicing Zen. I fancy myself as a stoner who doesn't use drugs, or a modern day monk. I want to find consciousness, because to be conscious is to be reverent, and to be reverent is to show gratitude to my creator.
So Freakin' Typical
08.26.06 (7:17 pm) [edit]The incessant bump...bump...bump seems to stop right outside my door and there's the stupid sound of a tuba. Can you guess what kind of music? I live in a trailer park. This is the way it is...everyday. At least I can turn up the tunes and maybe drown it out. They're bitchin' about their rights being takin' away while they treat everyone else like crap. They drive like idiots and half of them don't have insurance, so when there's an accident and they're at fault and they have no liability insurance, and you have no uninsured motorist insurance, you're S.O.L....(slap out of luck, to put it nicely) I just feel like taking it personal okay? I just want a break. I work my ass off...so welfare people can get better medical care than me or my family. My answer? don't get sick. ....to be continued.
It's all so Fuzzy
07.13.06 (1:40 pm) [edit]"Man. this is so depressing". "What is?" "My life, I gotta find some kind of escape, I got into trouble when I drank and I can't do that anymore". "You haven't drank in years. is it relly starting to become appealing? You used to live it up and you carried so little guilt, now you're always moping around talking about how much your life sucks". "I'm getting older and I'm seeing that I'm wasting my life." "You've just taken things for granted, Open your eyes and you'll see you really have it good". "I spend more and more time right here in this chair, listening to music and playing cards, I'm sick right now and I can't go outside much, and it's hot....". "You're not in the now". "what?" "You're thinking about being somewhere else, doing something else. Your mind is unfocused and bored". "How do I become unbored?". "Make it all a game." "But, it's not a game. This is serious business, life is going on, and I'm not. I'm glued to this spot, with no big ideas or plans about the future". "Uhh, Who are you talking to?". "You, I'm talking to you". "Who am I?" "OH No, I'm talking to a voice in my head, now it is really looking like I'm on my way to the mental hospital". "Don't stop now, think of the fortune you'll have if you persue a lifestyle of talking to yourself". "How so?". "you'll never be bored, life will be a constant pleasure and a comedy, think of all the people you tell jokes about to yourself". "Like, myself....." I'm tired of these stupid quotation marks, I'm rewriting the rules of writing... You're totally out there now, not coming back are you?. No I'm so restrained and formal i'm so freakin sick of it all. From now on I'm gonna write however I want. I grew up wanting to be someone else. I used drugs and drank, listened to heavy metal music. I'm stuck in a belief system of all or nothing. I don't drink or use drugs anymore but I still listen to heavy metal and I feel that God as I understand Him, like or not, dissaproves of my musical tastes. I listen to techno, rock, popular, some country, and smooth jazz. But I can't really grasp the whole christian music scene. I just don't like it and that makes me feel like something is really wrong with me. I feel like if I really loved God, I would like music that was sang about Him. I will not tolerate being told the Devil has a hold on me because I don't tell people they're going to hell for not believing in Jesus. I don't spend my money foolishly and I don't use drugs or alcohol. I am conscious about what I eat, although I could eat better than I do. I don't beat on my wife or daughter. I don't kick the dog. I do lose my cool and yell obscenities into the air when I'm by myself in the car. Because I'm not at peace. I am at war within myself. there is very little quiet....
Tyler Texas
07.11.06 (7:48 pm) [edit]That's right, that's where I live. It's so lame. I long for the big city. I used to live in Dallas. I always had something to do. I don't drink and it seems all this town is good for is getting drunk and going out to eat. If it weren't for the internet I might be drunk right now. I was looking at webshots photos of big cities at night and it was kind of a bummer because I long for some kind of electric limelight kind of high. Not surreal but vivid, an alive kind of experience. Maybe some of you have read my blog recently and have heard me moan and whine about poison ivy. It is really a hellish experience. One among many in this life. I know I'm all "wah, wah...I've got poison ivy", but this crap makes me wanna cut my arm off. Anyway I'm listening to some techno music and stuff so I can try and escape the misery. WaH Wah waaaaaaH!!!!!
Computer Users
07.09.06 (1:07 pm) [edit]There are computer users and there are COMPUTER USERS. There are peopole out there who can utilize every function of their pc and do vlogs. They have something to say and they have a following. I, myself haven't even figured out how to set up a Myspace page, I wouldn't have much to say anyway. It's not that I don't have music that I like or interests, I just don't think they're that damn important. I have a talent for turning on the computer and finding something to entertain myself with. I listen to and download music, play games, write something, etc. I have a ton of cd rom games. I've probably spent about 35 hours this week, on my pc. I look at it like this: it's summer, it's hot outside. I have been dealing with antibiotics and steroids due to a bad case of poison ivy, and I feel like crap. I'm ready to get back to my normal state of misery, this sucks!!! Maybe this is God's way of telling me things could always get worse, but I really don't think He's to blame. I think I just got poison ivy. I'm gettin over it now. The steroids cause me to irritable and restless. I'm kind of a depressed person if you haven't figured that out. But I am sure there are a lot more around than just me.
Emptiness
07.07.06 (11:41 pm) [edit]While trying to come to some conclusion regarding my state of being. I typed the word emptiness into the address bar and got some interesting articles that spoke of emptiness as a virtue. It is described as a state of mind that is non-judgmental, free from opinion or analysis. Simply put, it is seeing something as it really is. We all have opinions based on past experiences. Here's something common: suppose you have a friend or aquaintance who says something negative about someone you've never met. When you finally meet that person your view of him/her is tainted since you've already formed an opinion based on what your friend said. If you meet the person in a state of emptiness you may find the person to be totally opposite the way your friend views him. There may be great joy to be had living life without judging people or things. I'm interested in Zen and other ways of meditation. This is cool. Oops, I judged.
Turning into a Piece of Toast
07.06.06 (8:28 pm) [edit]I could be a brilliant writer, if only I could remember a brilliant thought that I had during the day. I write it down then when I start to type it out it doesn't look as good in print as it did in my brain. No matter, I'm just doing because maybe somebody identifies with my writer's block. I can go to a chatroom and in a few seconds I'm totally lost. I don't know, I'm not mentally ill, I'm just becoming more like a piece of toast everyday. I mean that in a good way. I'm trying to become totally okay in my skin without having to flash my cash or my shiny car. Because I am not by any stretch of the word "rich". I wanna go someplace and not have to entertain anyone. I want to be okay being invisible, kinda like I am here. I sit here and get some satisfaction knowing my blog gets some hits. I want to be wildly famous and have a thousand comments a day, but in reality I'm just a few words in a sea of words. To draw the readers you gotta have imagination or you gotta have some great pics and talk about sex.
Dweeby Dude
07.03.06 (6:57 pm) [edit]Just wasting time again. I find everything so useless. I play silly card and Mahjongg games. I listen to music. I can't find any peace. I can't find fulfillment. I'm just wasting away. I have buried all possible talent and I'm so dead inside. My dog just came in to say hi. I guess that counts for something. I've never gotten close to my dog or anyone for that matter. There seems to be an invisible barrier between me and the rest of the world. Life for that matter elludes me. I'm a vegetable except that I know I'm missing something. I want to know God but I'm away from Him right now. I just dragged out my headphones and I'm jamming loud, to heck with it. It won't work either. I gotta find some way to get high that doesn't involve drug or drink. I'm rotting away in this smelly shell of a human. I'm just gonna be, No more worrying or saying negative stuff.........................................................................New game plan. This is living, this is awesome, this is heaven.....I am alive!!! I'm gonna trip out on everything. Deep Purple playing on the system, my pc stereo jam system. I just don't care what a dweeb I am. I'm a cool dude with no worries or concerns. The reprogramming process has begun. I am on my up. The old me is on his way out......
Just Whatever
06.30.06 (8:38 pm) [edit]I got the stereo cranked. I got it goin on here, if nowhere else. I got surround sound, only 5.1 though. I'm listening to Kiss. That should tell you how old I am. But I bet a lot of younger people listen to KIss. I'm like a hipster doofus. Like on Seinfeld. I'm probably totally uncool as far as all the popular people think. But I'm past that. I'm learning to be cool in my own rite because if I don't think I'm cool it doesn't matter who thinks I am. My wife just told me to turn it down. I'm so uncool, just kidding. I'm not talking about thinkin' I'm so cool that I insult your cool, or lack thereof. I just gotta reach a point where I don't care. I never have been popular, always lucky just to have a friend. I'm blessed beyond measure now. I have a wife and daughter, a few good friends, food and clothes, stuff and more stuff. I'm cool.....I think..
Self-Rehab
06.29.06 (6:42 pm) [edit]I'm going to the light, to let it heal me, let it cure me...And so on and so forth, blah blah blah. I'm listening to music right now and it is healing my soul. I am useful for something. I am lost in the elitist realm of intensity. Only a select few can delve into the flakes. THE CRYSTALIN STUPID FREAKIN' FLAKES. The ones that make your brain rot and make every soul in existence want to either get away or abuse you, including your own. I,I,I....am on a freakin' trip. I am a good insect repellent. Blah Blah Blah.....